Parenting Adolescents
QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK
Your Subtitle text
Hear Jean Walbridge interviews on NPR.
Parent Question
Hi Jean,
My daughter is 15, nearly 16, and we are going through a lot of storms as we both try to adjust away from the close bond we had when she was little. Not easy, but that's another story. My question is how far we should condone her starting a sexual relationship with her boyfriend, and letting them sleep together here.
She has been going out with him for two years, and he is a very nice boy, very loving and committed to her and polite and respectful to us when he comes over as he does frequently. When she started going out with him, when it became obvious it was quite serious, I sat down with her and told her that as far as we (my husband and I) are concerned, we didn't expect her to have any sexual activity with him until she was at least 16. He is the same age as her and in her class at school. I also spoke to his mom, as we had to agree some guidelines as they are quite often home alone, here or at their house, and certainly would have the opportunity if they chose to. She agreed, had the discussion with her son, and as far as I know they have stuck to that (I may be being naive but I honestly think they have, and even have been quite glad of the externally imposed rule).
So far so good, but now the deadline is approaching, and it would be fairly safe to assume that they are planning to have sex (though both his Mom and I said that we still thought 16 was very young, etc., but I suspect that bit rolled off at the time!). So is my part now just to make sure she is on the Pill, warn her that it's a big step emotionally, will add new issues, etc., and back off? And should we let them sleep together here? If not and his mom lets them there, they will just spend all their time there. And if his mom doesn't let them then will they just go off to the woods or something. Help! Maybe we shouldn't have said 16 as the magic age, but it's too late now to take it back.
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for writing to Parent Your Adolescent/Parenting Adolescents. Yes, it is too late to take back the specification of 16 as the age at which you could possibly be okay with your daughter having sexual relations with her boyfriend. Something made you choose that age, so in fact it may not be so terrible for you that she should begin a sexual life in earnest at that time.
You are perhaps naive in supposing that they have in fact waited; I do not suggest leaving adolescents alone in a house where they are unsupervised, as these kids have been.
But whether they've taken that step or not, a good conversation with your daughter about sex, sexuality, safe sex, sexual health, feelings, and decision-making is long overdue, and I think you should initiate this immediately. You do not need to reference the approaching 16th birthday, and she doesn't either. Neither does she need to let you know when she is being sexual or planning to be, although she may wish to. And if she does, you can express care, concern, and compassion, but not criticism. If she has been responsible in her behavior, you can praise her and tell her sex is a wonderful thing when it is accompanied by love, and you wish her only the best but are there for her if there are questions or concerns.
When my own daughter told me she was having sex with her boyfriend, at age 17, I was shocked--we'd not had a conversation about age, but I'd sent her to a sexuality class and knew she was fully informed of the basics. But when she asked if she and Michael could sleep together in our house, I told her the truth--that I wouldn't be able to stand it because I would be imagining what was going on, and I just wasn't up to it.
When she was married, of course (not to Michael), and even before then, as she grew older, I was already used to thinking of her as a sexual partner to someone and didn't mind if she and her partner slept together in our house. But this is a matter of personal preference. Just say what is true for you. If they're going to sleep together, they'll find a way.
Hope this helps your thinking a little as you anticipate this sea change in your relationship to your daughter. It sounds like you and she have a good relationship, and this will stand both of you in good stead, whether she's being sexual or not.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
Parent Question
Hi Jean,
My daughter is 15, nearly 16, and we are going through a lot of storms as we both try to adjust away from the close bond we had when she was little. Not easy, but that's another story. My question is how far we should condone her starting a sexual relationship with her boyfriend, and letting them sleep together here.
She has been going out with him for two years, and he is a very nice boy, very loving and committed to her and polite and respectful to us when he comes over as he does frequently. When she started going out with him, when it became obvious it was quite serious, I sat down with her and told her that as far as we (my husband and I) are concerned, we didn't expect her to have any sexual activity with him until she was at least 16. He is the same age as her and in her class at school. I also spoke to his mom, as we had to agree some guidelines as they are quite often home alone, here or at their house, and certainly would have the opportunity if they chose to. She agreed, had the discussion with her son, and as far as I know they have stuck to that (I may be being naive but I honestly think they have, and even have been quite glad of the externally imposed rule).
So far so good, but now the deadline is approaching, and it would be fairly safe to assume that they are planning to have sex (though both his Mom and I said that we still thought 16 was very young, etc., but I suspect that bit rolled off at the time!). So is my part now just to make sure she is on the Pill, warn her that it's a big step emotionally, will add new issues, etc., and back off? And should we let them sleep together here? If not and his mom lets them there, they will just spend all their time there. And if his mom doesn't let them then will they just go off to the woods or something. Help! Maybe we shouldn't have said 16 as the magic age, but it's too late now to take it back.
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for writing to Parent Your Adolescent/Parenting Adolescents. Yes, it is too late to take back the specification of 16 as the age at which you could possibly be okay with your daughter having sexual relations with her boyfriend. Something made you choose that age, so in fact it may not be so terrible for you that she should begin a sexual life in earnest at that time.
You are perhaps naive in supposing that they have in fact waited; I do not suggest leaving adolescents alone in a house where they are unsupervised, as these kids have been.
But whether they've taken that step or not, a good conversation with your daughter about sex, sexuality, safe sex, sexual health, feelings, and decision-making is long overdue, and I think you should initiate this immediately. You do not need to reference the approaching 16th birthday, and she doesn't either. Neither does she need to let you know when she is being sexual or planning to be, although she may wish to. And if she does, you can express care, concern, and compassion, but not criticism. If she has been responsible in her behavior, you can praise her and tell her sex is a wonderful thing when it is accompanied by love, and you wish her only the best but are there for her if there are questions or concerns.
When my own daughter told me she was having sex with her boyfriend, at age 17, I was shocked--we'd not had a conversation about age, but I'd sent her to a sexuality class and knew she was fully informed of the basics. But when she asked if she and Michael could sleep together in our house, I told her the truth--that I wouldn't be able to stand it because I would be imagining what was going on, and I just wasn't up to it.
When she was married, of course (not to Michael), and even before then, as she grew older, I was already used to thinking of her as a sexual partner to someone and didn't mind if she and her partner slept together in our house. But this is a matter of personal preference. Just say what is true for you. If they're going to sleep together, they'll find a way.
Hope this helps your thinking a little as you anticipate this sea change in your relationship to your daughter. It sounds like you and she have a good relationship, and this will stand both of you in good stead, whether she's being sexual or not.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for sending in your question.
I wonder if teachers at his school may also be concerned about your son. When a child is doing as poorly in school as your son is doing, the school itself should let you know that something is wrong. If noone at the school has talked with you about your son's performance, you would be justified in going to them to ask about any help they may be able to give him there.
Boys the age of your son often begin to act rebelliously against parents and become less respectful than they were when they were younger. It does sound, though, as if your son's behavior may be more alarming than normal.
It is true that you need to set limits with him, accompanied by consequences when he exceeds the limits. You can find out a lot about how to do this by searching at this web site on the words rules, consequences.
But his wearing the dark clothes may mean something more than it might mean in another adolescent if you live in a neighborhood where there is gang activity. I am wondering if you have a priest or pastor or other religious elder you respect who could help you and this boy come together again and help set his feet on a more constructive path.
I'm glad to hear you are focused on helping rather than punishing him. There is a difference between punishing and holding responsible by setting limits with consequences. It seems probable that he is either being influenced by negative peers, possibly including influence related to drugs, or overwhelmed by family interactions, or possibly depressed. In any case, you need more help. If the school and/or religious elder is not available for help, call the United Way in your community and find a family counseling agency that will serve people on a sliding fee scale. You don't have to bear this all alone.
There is another possibility too: the Total Transformation Program, a multi-media program for helping parents with 11-17 year olds who are oppositional and defiant, is offering the program for free, in return for parents' written feedback about their experience with the program.
For more information about this click this link.
And P.S....my guess about his tormenting his younger siblings is that he is overwhelmed by becoming a teenager and is unconsciously jealous of his younger brothers/sisters who get still to live within the protective shield of childhood and the family.
Try to hang in with him; you're all he's got and his best bet of making it.
Hope this helps a little.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
Hi,
Thanks for sending in your question.
I wonder if teachers at his school may also be concerned about your son. When a child is doing as poorly in school as your son is doing, the school itself should let you know that something is wrong. If noone at the school has talked with you about your son's performance, you would be justified in going to them to ask about any help they may be able to give him there.
Boys the age of your son often begin to act rebelliously against parents and become less respectful than they were when they were younger. It does sound, though, as if your son's behavior may be more alarming than normal.
It is true that you need to set limits with him, accompanied by consequences when he exceeds the limits. You can find out a lot about how to do this by searching at this web site on the words rules, consequences.
But his wearing the dark clothes may mean something more than it might mean in another adolescent if you live in a neighborhood where there is gang activity. I am wondering if you have a priest or pastor or other religious elder you respect who could help you and this boy come together again and help set his feet on a more constructive path.
I'm glad to hear you are focused on helping rather than punishing him. There is a difference between punishing and holding responsible by setting limits with consequences. It seems probable that he is either being influenced by negative peers, possibly including influence related to drugs, or overwhelmed by family interactions, or possibly depressed. In any case, you need more help. If the school and/or religious elder is not available for help, call the United Way in your community and find a family counseling agency that will serve people on a sliding fee scale. You don't have to bear this all alone.
There is another possibility too: the Total Transformation Program, a multi-media program for helping parents with 11-17 year olds who are oppositional and defiant, is offering the program for free, in return for parents' written feedback about their experience with the program.
For more information about this click this link.
And P.S....my guess about his tormenting his younger siblings is that he is overwhelmed by becoming a teenager and is unconsciously jealous of his younger brothers/sisters who get still to live within the protective shield of childhood and the family.
Try to hang in with him; you're all he's got and his best bet of making it.
Hope this helps a little.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
____________________
Send in your own question.
Go to the Archives and explore all of the Q&As Jean has answered.
2nd Parent Question
Dear Jean,
My 14 yr old is being disrespectful to us. He always has a negative attitude, talks back to his parents, teases his little brothers. He complains that we are over protecting him. His school grades have dropped, and he is getting an "F" more and more frequently at the end of the school year.
I realized the other day that everything he is wearing is black or dark in color. We take things away when he is not listening, lying or not making efforts in school. We always end up with arguments. We coach him and tried to direct him in the positive way, but of course everything is "stupid" to him. We reward him when he does good things. What else should we do? Help... thanks,
to Jean's response
____________________
Send in your own question.
2nd Parent Question
Dear Jean,
My 14 yr old is being disrespectful to us. He always has a negative attitude, talks back to his parents, teases his little brothers. He complains that we are over protecting him. His school grades have dropped, and he is getting an "F" more and more frequently at the end of the school year.
I realized the other day that everything he is wearing is black or dark in color. We take things away when he is not listening, lying or not making efforts in school. We always end up with arguments. We coach him and tried to direct him in the positive way, but of course everything is "stupid" to him. We reward him when he does good things. What else should we do? Help... thanks,
to Jean's response
____________________
Send in your own question.
