Parenting Adolescents
QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK
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Hear Jean Walbridge interviews on NPR.
Parent Question
Dear Jean,
I have a question about my own case since I tried to find some information on your website, on many other websites as well. Unfortunately, Google is able to get me only to very graphic porno sites instead. I am so embarrassed to go to a public library and ask about a book on this topic.
My daughter is eighteen years old and is a college student. After spending just her first month in college, she opened up her secret about being involved in BDSM.
I am fifty five years old and I never in my life knew about it. You can imagine my fear, confusion and frustration when I learned about the idea of being “a slave” from all porno websites I was able to find. My daughter rebelliously has told me she is fine in being somebody’s “sex toy to toss her out later." Probably I am too conservative, old-fashioned woman who grew up in a different culture and country but it is very hard to comprehend and accept the whole concept.
She is not talking about love or friendship or care but only about submission. I understand that teens are experimenting with sex these days but in my probably not-so-opened mind, it is so far beyond just experimenting... I would like to know if this BDSM is something as common as being, say, a lesbian or transvestite. Are there any studies about it? Are there any books which can explain the psychology behind it? What can I expect in the future? Is there a hope that my daughter can “grow out” of this or it is who she is? Is it a mental problem or this is the way she is being wired?
I hope with all my heart you will be interested enough to answer my questions. I would really appreciate if you can share any information on this topic. Thank you in advance,
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for writing to Parent Your Adolescent.com. I would be alarmed too if my daughter told me she was content to be in a 'slave'-type relationship with someone else, sexual or not. I think I would tell her that I was concerned for her, that I thought in going this route she was giving up ways of expressing and sharing her sexuality that would be much more likely to bring her longterm satisfaction, stability, and fulfillment. I would also share that I couldn't help but wonder what experiences in her life may have led her to enjoy playing a debased role in relation to another person and that it made me wonder about my own parenting of her.
You may decide to discuss some of these feelings and thoughts with your daughter, if they accurately represent your own views. However, presumably she has taken you into her trust by confiding these practices to you. Even though she told you 'rebelliously,' knowing you would not approve, I think your safest stance would be to withhold judgment while at the same time being truthful about your genuine concerns for her safety and emotional wellbeing. I think it may be like she cannot be taking her own welfare into account right now, but you can let her know that you do worry about it, even if she doesn't.
You can offer to find/pay for someone for her to talk to if she is bothered by her own thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, but my guess is that she could just take this as proof that you think she's 'crazy' or 'bad.' Beyond shocking you and proving to you that she is not you, a common motive for adolescent rebellion, I'm not sure what other motives she may have had in telling you about this. So I think you just have to be genuine in expressing your concern and hope she'll take in some of what you say, even if she seems to reject it.
One problem with sadomasochistic sex is that it can get out of hand and people can get hurt. I did find this reference on the internet, which I think both you and she may want to refer to. I quote from it in part:
"Given the broad and diverse range of S/M practices uncovered by social scientists and medical professionals, a valid definition of S/M for purposes of developing policy and ascertaining the incidence of S/M activities in the general population must include the following elements:
"1. S/M describes an intimate relationship between
consenting adults who derive sexual pleasure from an encounter which may include the receipt or distribution of psychological or physical pain, role playing, or dominance and submission;
"2. Practitioners of S/M may or may not identify their relationships as such, and it is therefore important
for researchers to ask questions about specific components S/M behavior, rather than about participation in S/M generally in order to obtain accurate estimates of participation rates;
"3. Complex power relations in S/M encounters are generally present, whereby the masochist, or “bottom” appears to be at the mercy of the sadist, or “top”. However, the sadist and masochist have set pre-arranged limits, usually determined by the
masochist and enforced by the use of a “safe” or “stop” word.
"CONCLUSION
In considering the issue of sadomasochistic sex then, how should the activity be classified?
"Is it like a sport with legitimate social value where society and the courts allow individuals to consent to the inherent violence,
or is it merely violence for the sake of violence, having no legitimate social value? In the case of sexual relationships, where do the rights of individuals
to engage in private sexual activity end and the state’s interest in preventing harm to its citizens begin?
"The fact that our society allows individuals to engage in patently violent or risky behavior in so many contexts outside of sex indicates that it is notions of morality rather than concern for public health that is driving our
unwillingness to recognize the ability of individuals to consent to violent sexual behavior. If this is the case, there are other, more appropriate, regulatory
mechanisms for the state to engage that will further the state interest of protecting its citizens from violence, yet not intrude upon the private sexual matters of consenting adults.
"For example, in the case of violent sports, there are often trained arbitrators (referees) on the field with the participants. State licensing of S/M clubs could include provisions to require that trained individuals are present to supervise S/M activities. Even those individuals who do not participate in S/M clubs could become licensed to engage in S/M activities. Such licensure would include training in issues of consent, including how individuals use a “safe word” to indicate
their consent has ended.
"Similarly, individuals often sign contracts when they engage in risky behavior, absolving other participants of liability in the case of injury as long as everyone “plays by the rules”. Similar contracts could be used as
evidence of consent in the S/M context."
I imagine most of our site visitors can empathize with your feelings. Please don't waste time characterizing yourself as not open-minded or behind the times. SM sex is troubling to almost all of us. Hope this answer helps you think about the issue to find your own footing.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
Parent Question
Dear Jean,
I have a question about my own case since I tried to find some information on your website, on many other websites as well. Unfortunately, Google is able to get me only to very graphic porno sites instead. I am so embarrassed to go to a public library and ask about a book on this topic.
My daughter is eighteen years old and is a college student. After spending just her first month in college, she opened up her secret about being involved in BDSM.
I am fifty five years old and I never in my life knew about it. You can imagine my fear, confusion and frustration when I learned about the idea of being “a slave” from all porno websites I was able to find. My daughter rebelliously has told me she is fine in being somebody’s “sex toy to toss her out later." Probably I am too conservative, old-fashioned woman who grew up in a different culture and country but it is very hard to comprehend and accept the whole concept.
She is not talking about love or friendship or care but only about submission. I understand that teens are experimenting with sex these days but in my probably not-so-opened mind, it is so far beyond just experimenting... I would like to know if this BDSM is something as common as being, say, a lesbian or transvestite. Are there any studies about it? Are there any books which can explain the psychology behind it? What can I expect in the future? Is there a hope that my daughter can “grow out” of this or it is who she is? Is it a mental problem or this is the way she is being wired?
I hope with all my heart you will be interested enough to answer my questions. I would really appreciate if you can share any information on this topic. Thank you in advance,
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for writing to Parent Your Adolescent.com. I would be alarmed too if my daughter told me she was content to be in a 'slave'-type relationship with someone else, sexual or not. I think I would tell her that I was concerned for her, that I thought in going this route she was giving up ways of expressing and sharing her sexuality that would be much more likely to bring her longterm satisfaction, stability, and fulfillment. I would also share that I couldn't help but wonder what experiences in her life may have led her to enjoy playing a debased role in relation to another person and that it made me wonder about my own parenting of her.
You may decide to discuss some of these feelings and thoughts with your daughter, if they accurately represent your own views. However, presumably she has taken you into her trust by confiding these practices to you. Even though she told you 'rebelliously,' knowing you would not approve, I think your safest stance would be to withhold judgment while at the same time being truthful about your genuine concerns for her safety and emotional wellbeing. I think it may be like she cannot be taking her own welfare into account right now, but you can let her know that you do worry about it, even if she doesn't.
You can offer to find/pay for someone for her to talk to if she is bothered by her own thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, but my guess is that she could just take this as proof that you think she's 'crazy' or 'bad.' Beyond shocking you and proving to you that she is not you, a common motive for adolescent rebellion, I'm not sure what other motives she may have had in telling you about this. So I think you just have to be genuine in expressing your concern and hope she'll take in some of what you say, even if she seems to reject it.
One problem with sadomasochistic sex is that it can get out of hand and people can get hurt. I did find this reference on the internet, which I think both you and she may want to refer to. I quote from it in part:
"Given the broad and diverse range of S/M practices uncovered by social scientists and medical professionals, a valid definition of S/M for purposes of developing policy and ascertaining the incidence of S/M activities in the general population must include the following elements:
"1. S/M describes an intimate relationship between
consenting adults who derive sexual pleasure from an encounter which may include the receipt or distribution of psychological or physical pain, role playing, or dominance and submission;
"2. Practitioners of S/M may or may not identify their relationships as such, and it is therefore important
for researchers to ask questions about specific components S/M behavior, rather than about participation in S/M generally in order to obtain accurate estimates of participation rates;
"3. Complex power relations in S/M encounters are generally present, whereby the masochist, or “bottom” appears to be at the mercy of the sadist, or “top”. However, the sadist and masochist have set pre-arranged limits, usually determined by the
masochist and enforced by the use of a “safe” or “stop” word.
"CONCLUSION
In considering the issue of sadomasochistic sex then, how should the activity be classified?
"Is it like a sport with legitimate social value where society and the courts allow individuals to consent to the inherent violence,
or is it merely violence for the sake of violence, having no legitimate social value? In the case of sexual relationships, where do the rights of individuals
to engage in private sexual activity end and the state’s interest in preventing harm to its citizens begin?
"The fact that our society allows individuals to engage in patently violent or risky behavior in so many contexts outside of sex indicates that it is notions of morality rather than concern for public health that is driving our
unwillingness to recognize the ability of individuals to consent to violent sexual behavior. If this is the case, there are other, more appropriate, regulatory
mechanisms for the state to engage that will further the state interest of protecting its citizens from violence, yet not intrude upon the private sexual matters of consenting adults.
"For example, in the case of violent sports, there are often trained arbitrators (referees) on the field with the participants. State licensing of S/M clubs could include provisions to require that trained individuals are present to supervise S/M activities. Even those individuals who do not participate in S/M clubs could become licensed to engage in S/M activities. Such licensure would include training in issues of consent, including how individuals use a “safe word” to indicate
their consent has ended.
"Similarly, individuals often sign contracts when they engage in risky behavior, absolving other participants of liability in the case of injury as long as everyone “plays by the rules”. Similar contracts could be used as
evidence of consent in the S/M context."
I imagine most of our site visitors can empathize with your feelings. Please don't waste time characterizing yourself as not open-minded or behind the times. SM sex is troubling to almost all of us. Hope this answer helps you think about the issue to find your own footing.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
Jean responds:
Dear Teen,
I am wondering whether your parents and grandparents may be from another culture than the mainstream western culture, since most parents do not consider it unusual or wrong for a student to move out of the house to go to college, even far away, at 18. In fact, for most parents, it's an achievement for their kids to move out to start their own lives even if the parents will miss them.
If it is the case that things are not typically done that way in your parents' culture, it may be wise for you to find an adult from your parents' own background to talk to them about what is normal and acceptable in mainstream western culture today--the culture I assume you are living in.
Failing your ability to find someone who can speak to them in their own language, as it were, you might want to talk to them yourself, perhaps with the aid of some of the Q&As from this site's Archives that have to do with teens leaving home at 18. (You would just search the Archives on words like 18, college, leaving.)
I take it that the family will not help with college expenses either because they have no money or because they don't believe you should be leaving for college 'so young.' So you are up against it there. Why not talk to the admissions people at the schools you're interested in, explaining your situation, and finding out how you can attend with loans and maybe part-time jobs on the campus to get you through? Do they have any scholarships you could apply for, given your circumstances? That's what I had to do--my mother believed that the only time a girl should leave her father's home was when she was going to a husband's!
Given their disappointment and disapproval about your leaving, I'm sure you're also right that they'll be horrified that you're planning to live with a boyfriend. Nonetheless, the day has to come when you tell them your plans, express your love to them and your thanks for raising you to have a mind of your own, and your hope that they can one day come to understand your choices.
Hope this helps a little. Growing up is hard to do.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
Dear Teen,
I am wondering whether your parents and grandparents may be from another culture than the mainstream western culture, since most parents do not consider it unusual or wrong for a student to move out of the house to go to college, even far away, at 18. In fact, for most parents, it's an achievement for their kids to move out to start their own lives even if the parents will miss them.
If it is the case that things are not typically done that way in your parents' culture, it may be wise for you to find an adult from your parents' own background to talk to them about what is normal and acceptable in mainstream western culture today--the culture I assume you are living in.
Failing your ability to find someone who can speak to them in their own language, as it were, you might want to talk to them yourself, perhaps with the aid of some of the Q&As from this site's Archives that have to do with teens leaving home at 18. (You would just search the Archives on words like 18, college, leaving.)
I take it that the family will not help with college expenses either because they have no money or because they don't believe you should be leaving for college 'so young.' So you are up against it there. Why not talk to the admissions people at the schools you're interested in, explaining your situation, and finding out how you can attend with loans and maybe part-time jobs on the campus to get you through? Do they have any scholarships you could apply for, given your circumstances? That's what I had to do--my mother believed that the only time a girl should leave her father's home was when she was going to a husband's!
Given their disappointment and disapproval about your leaving, I'm sure you're also right that they'll be horrified that you're planning to live with a boyfriend. Nonetheless, the day has to come when you tell them your plans, express your love to them and your thanks for raising you to have a mind of your own, and your hope that they can one day come to understand your choices.
Hope this helps a little. Growing up is hard to do.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
____________________
Send in your own question.
Go to the Archives and explore all of the Q&As Jean has answered.
Teen Question
Dear Jean,
I am 18 years old. My plans are to move out of my parents' house for college. I will be renting an apartment with my boyfriend.
My parents really won't approve of this, they are having a hard enough time knowing I'm moving to another city, and they are VERY angry at this fact, so I am very scared to tell them...they're always saying I'm going to kill my grandparents because I'm moving out without my family's approval. (And it's a dishonor to my family to move out 'so young')...
What are your thoughts on this? I need advice. I'm also having money issues, and my family will not help with any college expenses.
to Jean's response
____________________
Send in your own question.
Teen Question
Dear Jean,
I am 18 years old. My plans are to move out of my parents' house for college. I will be renting an apartment with my boyfriend.
My parents really won't approve of this, they are having a hard enough time knowing I'm moving to another city, and they are VERY angry at this fact, so I am very scared to tell them...they're always saying I'm going to kill my grandparents because I'm moving out without my family's approval. (And it's a dishonor to my family to move out 'so young')...
What are your thoughts on this? I need advice. I'm also having money issues, and my family will not help with any college expenses.
to Jean's response
____________________
Send in your own question.
